Another year...what will this year bring me? Another year of repetition, I suppose. It gets like that when you're working insane night shifts. You fall into the pattern of waking up, eating, going to work, coming home, eating, going to sleep....*RINSE AND REPEAT*.
I've just realised how emotionally detached I've become lately. I no longer have the time that I used to have to just sit and lull over things that I'm missing in life. I guess subconsciously I've been keeping myself busy to avoid having to think about these things too. But on occasions like this, I can't escape.
I've been single for almost three years now. Don't get me wrong - I love the person that I am...free spirited and independent. But I miss what I once had. Someone to confide in. Someone to wake up next to. Someone to share my thoughts and dreams with. Someone to care for. Someone to love me. Unconditionally.
At work there are several women expecting children at the moment. Just seeing them walking around pregnant makes me so envious. And then there's my sister who has a boyfriend and has no intention of ever getting married or having children. And here I am alone. The irony.
I've been dishing out relationship advice but I don't even have one of my own. I feel like everyone around me is only just beginning to experience what I've already had. And how do I tell them to just enjoy it while they can before they get down to the nitty gritty of knowing what they really want from a partner? I feel that by knowing what I want, I am closing myself off to everyone. It just feels like no one I meet (on those rare occasions) even comes close to what I am looking for. Yet I also feel that when I finally find someone, I'm going to be compromising part of myself. Being single for so long, it would no doubt take some adjusting to feel comfortable relying on someone else to carry me.
But looking at some people who have partners...I can't help but feel 'if they can find someone...why the hell can't I!???'
I can't help but feel a part of my life is missing. I feel hollow. There's part of myself that I'm unable to express. Be it cliche and all but...I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. There HAS to be someone out there for me. But how long is it going to take till I find him? No doubt I will have to find him. As with all relationships I've had, I've done the chasing. I tell myself I'll sit tight and wait for some guy to chase after me. But who am I kidding. Guys don't often know what they want. Until it's too late.
So...2006 is looking to be a fantastic year for me - keeping busy with work so that I don't delve into these depths of dispair often.
Perhaps I will hop on the subway tomorrow and find a guy smiling at me. I'll try to smile back if I'm not overcome with shyness like I usually am.
Who am I kidding. We don't have subway trains in Perth.
Alone but not Lonely
It's been a while since I've visited this diary. Been so busy lately that I haven't had time to really feel down about anything. Had my last day of training in blood bank on Friday and from here on it's scientist work for me. At least I'll have some regularity with my work roster now. But being part time, it's only a matter of time before I get rostered on for extra shifts - what with every department being short staffed right now.
Made myself a steak dinner tonight (and last night was the same menu). Porterhouse medium to well covered with sliced muchrooms and pepper gravy. Served with a side of steamed green beans and baby corn, and baby roast potatoes with butter and herbs. Accompanied with half a bottle of cab sav and a toast to myself. "I may be alone, but I'm not lonely".
Or at least I try to keep telling myself that. The months and years are going by and I still am yet to find someone that gives me that warm fuzzy feeling when I see him. I just don't see myself realistically finding anyone. Even if I did, he wouldn't know the real me. I've been through so much in my life - how can someone know who I am if he only sees me now that I've conquered all those hard times in my life? He will only see the person i am now, and not the person who I've become. And the same the other way around. How will I know the person that he really is and not the person whom he wants me to know him as? Being single so long has let me have lots of time to think about things like this. It just makes me wonder whether I will be able to connect with someone that deeply ever again. Will I meet someone who makes me want to know everything about him? Friends can't fill this void in my life. For the past few years I've come to feel that there isn't going to be someone who can.
People aren't perfect. But how will I know whether I'm compromising myself and settling for something less than what i want or expecting too much and not giving someone a chance? AARGH too much to think about!
Bed time.
Made myself a steak dinner tonight (and last night was the same menu). Porterhouse medium to well covered with sliced muchrooms and pepper gravy. Served with a side of steamed green beans and baby corn, and baby roast potatoes with butter and herbs. Accompanied with half a bottle of cab sav and a toast to myself. "I may be alone, but I'm not lonely".
Or at least I try to keep telling myself that. The months and years are going by and I still am yet to find someone that gives me that warm fuzzy feeling when I see him. I just don't see myself realistically finding anyone. Even if I did, he wouldn't know the real me. I've been through so much in my life - how can someone know who I am if he only sees me now that I've conquered all those hard times in my life? He will only see the person i am now, and not the person who I've become. And the same the other way around. How will I know the person that he really is and not the person whom he wants me to know him as? Being single so long has let me have lots of time to think about things like this. It just makes me wonder whether I will be able to connect with someone that deeply ever again. Will I meet someone who makes me want to know everything about him? Friends can't fill this void in my life. For the past few years I've come to feel that there isn't going to be someone who can.
People aren't perfect. But how will I know whether I'm compromising myself and settling for something less than what i want or expecting too much and not giving someone a chance? AARGH too much to think about!
Bed time.
Mad Scientist Saz
Well...so much has happened since I last posted an entry on here. Let's see...I'll do up a list:
1) I've become quite the entrepreneur at the weekend markets
2) I've started making and selling earrings again
3) I've gotten the multi-disciplined medical scientist job that I've waited all year for
4) I've completed and received my tax return - most of which will go towards my car loan
5) My mobile has been stuffed up due to some incompetent person in NSW who issued my number to someone else
6) Shaune's back in Perth but he's going away again really soon - thank Satan
7) Stabbed myself with a serated (gosh is that even how you spell it??) steak knife
Yes...I've been quite the busy little bumble bee. How did I stab myself with a steak knife? Let's just say it's left a jagged cut on my right hip so it looks like I've had a kidney removed and been stitched up. (It's not that bad!)
Just been really busy with work and making earrings lately. Acquiring more beads off ebay and a larger credit card bill. Barely have time to watch TV. But Stargate season 9 and Atlantis season 2 are starting to be put up on the net so gotta my hands on those to watch in a little while. Sweeeeeet =P~
Over and out swollen ostrich
1) I've become quite the entrepreneur at the weekend markets
2) I've started making and selling earrings again
3) I've gotten the multi-disciplined medical scientist job that I've waited all year for
4) I've completed and received my tax return - most of which will go towards my car loan
5) My mobile has been stuffed up due to some incompetent person in NSW who issued my number to someone else
6) Shaune's back in Perth but he's going away again really soon - thank Satan
7) Stabbed myself with a serated (gosh is that even how you spell it??) steak knife
Yes...I've been quite the busy little bumble bee. How did I stab myself with a steak knife? Let's just say it's left a jagged cut on my right hip so it looks like I've had a kidney removed and been stitched up. (It's not that bad!)
Just been really busy with work and making earrings lately. Acquiring more beads off ebay and a larger credit card bill. Barely have time to watch TV. But Stargate season 9 and Atlantis season 2 are starting to be put up on the net so gotta my hands on those to watch in a little while. Sweeeeeet =P~
Over and out swollen ostrich
Job Interview
Today I had my interview for a multi-disciplined medical scientist at work. I was getting so nervous the closer it got to 11am...but when I saw the interviewing panel, I was a bit relieved. It consisted of the senior-scientist-in-charge, the scientist in charge of transfusion, and a senior medical scientist - all of whom I've had the pleasure to work with. Although I felt nervous and was trying to not fidget with my hands under the table (I know what you're thinking Shaune - not that type of fidgeting - har har), the interview went pretty well, I reckon. I felt comfortable with the questions that they asked me because I've covered them either at uni or while I've been working there as a laboratory assistant. I have a good feeling about this...fingers crossed =)
I cleaned out my wardrobe tonight - my room was like a warzone with boxes of glass jars and paper crafts everywhere. I had a very narrow path between piles of boxes from my wardrobe to my door and computer. But luckily we managed to sign a treaty by about 1:30am and I am now relaxing with a glass of cab sav (red wine, for those who aren't wine-savvy) and a tasting plate. Mmm octopus =P~~
Gonna head down to the markets this Sunday morning to see if I can make some money from my knick knacks. I'm also going to try to sell some of my stars and perhaps jewellery if I have time to make any before then. So...depending on how it goes on Sunday, I may perhaps think about making it more of a part time hobby to make some income on the side.
I cleaned out my wardrobe tonight - my room was like a warzone with boxes of glass jars and paper crafts everywhere. I had a very narrow path between piles of boxes from my wardrobe to my door and computer. But luckily we managed to sign a treaty by about 1:30am and I am now relaxing with a glass of cab sav (red wine, for those who aren't wine-savvy) and a tasting plate. Mmm octopus =P~~
Gonna head down to the markets this Sunday morning to see if I can make some money from my knick knacks. I'm also going to try to sell some of my stars and perhaps jewellery if I have time to make any before then. So...depending on how it goes on Sunday, I may perhaps think about making it more of a part time hobby to make some income on the side.
E-Bay!
Made my first E-Bay purchase today! That's right...100 skeins of DMC cotton with free shipping! Can't wait for them to arrive!
Nothing exciting has happened this weekend...just work as usual. I had a craving for spaghetti bolognaise tonight so I've cooked the mince...and it's sitting on the kitchen bench waiting to be made. I'll get around to it soon...
So sleepy...must sleep in tomorrow! Whee! It's freezing - I feel like I have frostbite in my right hand. Won't say where the left one is =P
Nothing exciting has happened this weekend...just work as usual. I had a craving for spaghetti bolognaise tonight so I've cooked the mince...and it's sitting on the kitchen bench waiting to be made. I'll get around to it soon...
So sleepy...must sleep in tomorrow! Whee! It's freezing - I feel like I have frostbite in my right hand. Won't say where the left one is =P
Saz the Wino
A quiet night at work tonight...managed to get home on time. Had my favourite spicy vietnamese beef noodles tonight. With 3/4 of a bottle of chardonnay. Watching Babylon 5 as I eat and drink...makes me think...
When I drink I start feeling a bit lonely. I was watching 'Cold Squad' one night and the lead actress said 'there's a difference between being lonely and being alone'. Most of the time i am just alone. But when I have a few drinks I start to feel lonely. And reminiscent. I'll know when I've found the right guy when I find myself in this situation: he goes to bed while I stay up to watch a couple of Star Trek episodes and eat my dinner with a few glasses ofwine. And he won't complain when I come to bed smelling like chilli and wine. I should cut down the amount of chilli I eat to avoid getting a stomach ulcer...
I'm not unhappy with my life right now. I just worry that I will run out of time to do the things that I want to do. That I won't be able to adhere to the timeline that I have mapped out. Even with a bit of give...there does not seem to be much hope of it working out the way I have loosely planned it. I'm not going to measure my happiness based on my career - although that seems to be going in the right direction. I'm going to measure it based on my happiness in regards to finding someone to share a family with. I can't wait to have a family of my own.
This is all the wine talking.
Half a glass left to go. Then perhaps I will get some sleep tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)