Alone but not Lonely

It's been a while since I've visited this diary. Been so busy lately that I haven't had time to really feel down about anything. Had my last day of training in blood bank on Friday and from here on it's scientist work for me. At least I'll have some regularity with my work roster now. But being part time, it's only a matter of time before I get rostered on for extra shifts - what with every department being short staffed right now.

Made myself a steak dinner tonight (and last night was the same menu). Porterhouse medium to well covered with sliced muchrooms and pepper gravy. Served with a side of steamed green beans and baby corn, and baby roast potatoes with butter and herbs. Accompanied with half a bottle of cab sav and a toast to myself. "I may be alone, but I'm not lonely".

Or at least I try to keep telling myself that. The months and years are going by and I still am yet to find someone that gives me that warm fuzzy feeling when I see him. I just don't see myself realistically finding anyone. Even if I did, he wouldn't know the real me. I've been through so much in my life - how can someone know who I am if he only sees me now that I've conquered all those hard times in my life? He will only see the person i am now, and not the person who I've become. And the same the other way around. How will I know the person that he really is and not the person whom he wants me to know him as? Being single so long has let me have lots of time to think about things like this. It just makes me wonder whether I will be able to connect with someone that deeply ever again. Will I meet someone who makes me want to know everything about him? Friends can't fill this void in my life. For the past few years I've come to feel that there isn't going to be someone who can.

People aren't perfect. But how will I know whether I'm compromising myself and settling for something less than what i want or expecting too much and not giving someone a chance? AARGH too much to think about!

Bed time.