Another year...what will this year bring me? Another year of repetition, I suppose. It gets like that when you're working insane night shifts. You fall into the pattern of waking up, eating, going to work, coming home, eating, going to sleep....*RINSE AND REPEAT*.
I've just realised how emotionally detached I've become lately. I no longer have the time that I used to have to just sit and lull over things that I'm missing in life. I guess subconsciously I've been keeping myself busy to avoid having to think about these things too. But on occasions like this, I can't escape.
I've been single for almost three years now. Don't get me wrong - I love the person that I am...free spirited and independent. But I miss what I once had. Someone to confide in. Someone to wake up next to. Someone to share my thoughts and dreams with. Someone to care for. Someone to love me. Unconditionally.
At work there are several women expecting children at the moment. Just seeing them walking around pregnant makes me so envious. And then there's my sister who has a boyfriend and has no intention of ever getting married or having children. And here I am alone. The irony.
I've been dishing out relationship advice but I don't even have one of my own. I feel like everyone around me is only just beginning to experience what I've already had. And how do I tell them to just enjoy it while they can before they get down to the nitty gritty of knowing what they really want from a partner? I feel that by knowing what I want, I am closing myself off to everyone. It just feels like no one I meet (on those rare occasions) even comes close to what I am looking for. Yet I also feel that when I finally find someone, I'm going to be compromising part of myself. Being single for so long, it would no doubt take some adjusting to feel comfortable relying on someone else to carry me.
But looking at some people who have partners...I can't help but feel 'if they can find someone...why the hell can't I!???'
I can't help but feel a part of my life is missing. I feel hollow. There's part of myself that I'm unable to express. Be it cliche and all but...I have so much love to give but no one to give it to. There HAS to be someone out there for me. But how long is it going to take till I find him? No doubt I will have to find him. As with all relationships I've had, I've done the chasing. I tell myself I'll sit tight and wait for some guy to chase after me. But who am I kidding. Guys don't often know what they want. Until it's too late.
So...2006 is looking to be a fantastic year for me - keeping busy with work so that I don't delve into these depths of dispair often.
Perhaps I will hop on the subway tomorrow and find a guy smiling at me. I'll try to smile back if I'm not overcome with shyness like I usually am.
Who am I kidding. We don't have subway trains in Perth.